He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
