Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
