you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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