babies were throwing up all over the place
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
