i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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