i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The beer is more important than you right now.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
