Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Say something about gay babies.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
May the power of my ass compel you!!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
