Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
