i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
