If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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