Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
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Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs