drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
