Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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