All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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