watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
