one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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