worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
