you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
