You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
