so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
