I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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