If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
