My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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