youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
