Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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