She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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