I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
