I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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