I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
