So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
