the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
