Swine flu. Run for my life!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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