there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
