We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
