I'm so fucking centered right now
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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