forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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