U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
