I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
