My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
