Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
cat food counts as protein by the way
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
