Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
