hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
