hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
