I think i peed on brittanys purse
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
