What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
