apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
