also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
