I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
