dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
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He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
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I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport