I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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