White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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