now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
