I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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