You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
