apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
