two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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