my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
